Told me to be grateful that he put a roof over my head and food in my mouth when he was in no other way a loving or supportive parent. Of course I was raised that we “should all get along” and they have made me the bad guy because I am not in relationship with my sister right now. The girl who was told she could do no right was sad as a child because of this, but when she went out into the world, the world told her it was not so. The child who was told she could do no wrong was also sad as a child, but when she went out into the world expecting she at least could do no wrong the world told her, too, that it was not so, and her sadness grew. and my parents don’t like that at all but it’s been life changing for me. I’m stronger now and I don’t care what family members think of me anymore because I know the truth. Yes, they do Robert. In my experience, the narcissistic GC is just a really greedy person. Eventually, she led the way for me, opened my eyes, and taught me otherwise. She died later that year, which was my brothers’ desire, and then said that my sister deserved no inheritance at all because “she didn’t have the sophistication to understand the things money could do for her” (as if that could possibly be true for a woman had trouble holding even the most menial a job). You see, that was the problem. I’m glad I chose no contact for good this time. Parents are manipulating with money…among other lovely behaviours…at the point of seriously contemplating NC with parents too. When I hit pre teens I became more and more aware how abusive she was, especially when I hung out with my peers and also with friends at their homes. Shame on your family members as well as mine who have a heart of stone. Unreal. In my narcissistic family, I am older SG and younger sister GC. And only my father, not shuffling with Parkinson’s, and my sister came. Run ,Sorry for the pain ,time heals. However, I started reading and researching extensively after my friend said that, and not only did it hit every nail on the head about my recent ex, but I realized that most of my adult relationships had been with both overt and covert narcissists!!! The narcissistic parent lives through the golden child. Especially if the past 35+ years the parents have allowed it to let go incidents when the child has been unreasonable. My niece is 11 and becoming a master manipulator with the assistance of her NM. They are often the most empathetic child in the narcissistic family, which is the primary reason why they are so targeted. I remember when I was just seven, getting nervous one day at quarter to four in the afternoon. But the members are doing … God Bless! Beautifully written letter!! She even said that a generous and kindhearted gift I gave her 8 months ago was an attempt by me to manipulate her. Knowing is the catalyst to breaking the cycle. The mental and physical abuse was so bad that I had to build tall, thick walls around my feelings and emotions so I didn’t hurt so much. Very interesting but my experience is different. We were talking and she had seen the light. Our brother the quiet golden child and our sister the spitting image of our mother. Billie. Billie. They smash the mirror over and over, with the help of the narcissistic parent, until the scapegoat eventually walks out of the family. I only recently learned about narcissism, a narcissistic mother, sand all the toxic roles. I find Melanie Tonia Evans information and advice about narcissism very insightful and helpful in my healing and growth. I have periods of anger and sadness. There is 21 months between my brother and I. I don’t think that we have ever got along, there’s an awkwardness, though I stuck up for him many times at school when he was bullied. Thankyou so much for your lovely comments Kris. I’d get up in the morning and know as wordlessly as I had to pee, that if I wasn’t verrrry careful, if did anything wrong, I would be beaten when my father got home. My entire existence was invalidated and put down. It seems to be that the Narcissistic Mother picks the Golden … If it was black and white, it would suggest your scenario doesn’t exist; which it doesn’t. And, if you’re a child of a narc, you can be very susceptible to brainwashing because it’s all you know. My father (her step father) was a very empathetic person with whom I was very close, unlike with my mother. I was told I was crazy so constantly that I believed it was my identity. I am just now reading this article at the ripe age of 48 and am still shocked to learn about this malignant dynamic that has been playing in the background for my entire life. This article really helps me to understand the relationship between my younger brother and me. God bless you! My family tried to break my spirit too Brenda, and God was all I had in that terrible, horrific aftermath. Cn anyone tell me if i jus leave n go no contact my father’s property will all be inherited by my narc mom n her golden child. Instead, they accept it as the norm. I don’t think my siblings will ever understand or break free. Those who have “normal” families will never understand the living hell of the family scapegoat. Huh?! I have come to a point in my life where I do what’s right for me, and I don’t fawn to my family anymore. “ Also “ why don’t you call me? You’re spot on when you say ‘in THEIR world fitness = dishonesty and bullying.’ That’s about it!! Or, they have made the heart-wrenching decision to go No Contact with this older sibling. She’s still living in the house we grew up in and last I saw her about 20 years ago was pretty much the same witch. Then we’d be in so much trouble and stuck in the land of unconsciousness. By continuing to use this website, you consent to the use of cookies in accordance with our Cookie Policy. I’d alike to add that we have high emotional intelligence, we hold high internal value of ourselves (this being something our unfortunate siblings perhaps did not have or else we would have fallen to our parent’s abuse), we are resilient, and we are warriors. The scapegoated children of narcissists facebook groups have been so validating for me, and supportive of me. The last time we did talk I was trying to encourage her through a difficult time & she went off like a psycho maniac lunatic. I’m 40 on Friday and for the last couple of years I’ve realised my mother is a narcissist and after a lifetime of taking her hatred to heart and wondering what I’d done wrong and just being so confused I’m finally stating to put pieces of a cruel and uosetting jigsaw together. I don’t think the scapegoat gets to live happily after. She was a textbook Covert Narc Mother and from 1973/I was 13/ until her death in 2015 I was her constant target and the Golden Child’. It’s so liberating though when you find out that it was narcissistic abuse all along, and nothing to do with you. I attempted a ” neutral relationship” to try and relate just as adults rather than “family” as I had done huge work on myself. Now, my brother as a teenager is a nightmare, he tells me that I should die and tries to hit me when I say something that makes him upset, even if I’m an adult now. My sister is three years older than me and our older brother was the golden child. I believe NC is the best option for healing and freedom. The scapegoat is often so terribly ashamed and humiliated by these people that they are advised by their therapist to leave the entire family. I’m older scapegoat to a younger golden. I wish you all the best on your healing journey. Good luck on your journey. It’s unlikely. I hope you’ve gotten peace from your situation and distance from your family. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. This is about the golden child’s sense of entitlement. She holds an honours bachelor of science degree in Psychology with Education from the University of South Wales. My mother died in 2011, leaving GC-N sister as executor. Learning Mind has over 50,000 email subscribers and more than 1,5 million followers on social media. I would say to both GC and SC adult children here that the ghosts of your past do not have to govern your future. I wish you all the best and so very happy that you have found some happiness after having experienced the horrors of narcissistic abuse. Murphy doesn’t merely dismiss his … I told her this and she exploded as if this was the craziest thing ever…, but I now believe that it was this that caused me to be the SG, that she felt threatened by me and I wonder if this is the dynamic, ie the NM identifies that this child will not be the one to do her bidding, that is happening when an NM selects to be SG?? My mother is a 100% overt narcissist, my sister on the other hand very covert. She even said not too long ago that she is absolutely convinced I had a much better childhood than she did. But this morning I read a devotional that said: “Tears are not a sign of weakness; they are the sign of an open heart.” It made me realize that I had been speaking from an open, humble heart (which has always been risky for me in my family), and she was too full of hate to even recognize it. This isn’t thought out properly. To clarify, I love and adore my autistic darlings and have always had a super special bond with them, but for parents to arbitrarily “diagnose” their kids with something because their child is shy, defiant, etc. Thank you so much! I feel you. Good luck on your healing journey. I had been so confused and bewildered in regards to the way my husband would build up my 9 year old son whilst simultaneously tearing down his 13 year old sister for the smallest most insignificant things. Become more than the sum of your past. Birth order plays a major role in personality development, without narcissism being involved. thinking well? Yay me! I was heartbroken at one point too Brenda, and every now and again I get triggered into heartbreak, but the spaces between heartache and good times become fewer and further between the longer you keep at it. The Golden Child and The Scapegoat Child can occasionally change roles throughout childhood, especially if they have one nuanced NPD parent, and the other parent is not NPD ( hence, the non-NPD parent makes constant attempts to protect the children from the NPD parent’s abuse ). They don’t care enough about a scapegoated sibling. I like the article’s ending about the scapegoat being strong, creative and intelligent. Why did I ever think that by being kind and giving them the benefit of the doubt would change them? As earlier mentioned, a golden child is a reflection of their narcissistic parent. 3. So, THEY determine who is “fit,” and in THEIR world fitness = dishonesty and bullying. My knee-jerk reaction was to tell him, “No, you don’t!” but legally I couldn’t do that. This article really opened my eyes. I am like her worst enemy now. Everything was taken care of for her. Thanks for mentioning her. But some do survive. I’m heartbroken over this but I know I’m better off keeping NC because I’ll always be put in the scapegoat role. Reading your posts and then doing my own research is profoundly affirming, but I wasted my whole lifetime figuring out what was an obvious pattern of being regularly verbally and emotionally abused by my mother and sister, with my father’s acquiescence. I am the scapegoat and have been so confused and trying to make sense of all this chaos! Its a hate fest, where this dynamic duo attack, and discredit the scapegoated child any chance they get. As in many abusive families, we were isolated from close relationships with others who could offer support and provide positive role modeling. By my age 18, my hormones and thyroid were so wild that my voice dropped to a baritone (note, I’m a woman). Golden child is still being catered to by the narcissists and flying monkeys. I learned about boundaries (finally!) So what does the golden child do? So even when you think you’re getting somewhere with a sibling the narc will just get in between, divide and conquer, and brainwash some more. I believe this is evil and not of God. This behaviour worsens in adulthood and often results in family mobbing. There are no winners, and guess what is really sad is that the other siblings have no self-respect and stick around for crumbs of love, even though the crumbs don’t suffice. Thankyou very much Nadi. My siblings wouldn’t tell me if someone died, they recruit flying monkeys. And although you worry that s/he is not physically active, you will find out that s/he is amazingly good at sports too! Good luck! In today’s article, I am going to discuss the toxic dynamic between a highly malignant narcissistic ‘golden child,’ and the ‘scapegoated child’. I knew from a very early age on that this wasn’t right. For years I would fall for it, despite knowing that something was off and that she used me for my sympathetic nature. I could write for hours about my mother & miss golden child, but I don’t want to everyone! And looking at it from the outside it is a huge paradox for me as my sister is partly able to name behaviour of our mother that is not ok, but at the same time my sister shows exactly the same traits as our mother – all the narc traits. It has truly changed my life and taught me things I wish some therapist had told me years ago.). Best piece on the subject I’ve ever found. With rage or manipulation BLACK and WHITE is how a narciss operates.And Subtle over time .Can be very covert, in the back of their mind they want to destroy YOU and kill the soul of your self esteem.This article is is the most focused to the center.Because I Am the scapegoat and I can clearly see . I encourage it to all, especially scapegoats. In fact, most of their choices come from a constant desire to please the family. Often this duo will be a mother and a son, a mother and her daughter, a father, and daughter, or father and son. I always thought these dynamics were singular to my own situation. In the meantime, I believe nothing she says about anybody and definitely won’t be giving her any ammunition against anyone. I finally had to go “no contact” with my younger brother in 2011 and all his family because of the stress they bring to my life. Its a form of control. However, if this child has some love from one parent, an enabling parent, then the child may fair better in terms of malignancy. narcissist…..yes, Aspergers…..I suspect….. my daughter has Aspergers. He was a month away from taking the CA State Bar Exam at the time he was diagnosed, and his life basically ended as the result of all the meds he had to take the rest of his life. I not only teach world history, but also teach kindness compassion, empathy, open-mindedness, and respect by the example I set, and my kids from the past 13 years know how much they mean to me, and how much I love every single one of them like my own. Now I am witnessing my sister, the narc, do the same to her husband. Also I (the “golden child”) have been the one who speaks out about the abuse, not my sister (the “scapegoat”). We weren’t allowed to tell her anything because she would expose. “Tears are not a sign of weakness…” I am the SG of a narcissist mother who died in her late 90s six months ago. I have no contact with narc parents and now no contact with gc sister. I’m almost 59 now. However, the narcissistic ‘golden child’ is not so benign, and more often than not will take great pleasure in supporting the narcissistic parent in destroying the scapegoat child’s confidence and self- esteem. First, this article is the best description of what my life was like as the so-called scapegoat. Stay strong and press on because you’re worth it! Therefore I am saying nothing and hoping he might come to the realization himself for the sake of himself and his potential future kids. Consequently, the golden child grows to believe that following their parents’ guidance and fulfilling their demands is the only right way of living. I honestly think it is fear of being exposed by the scapegoat. Lies that destroy relationships. I’ve watched them repeatedly bulldoze friendships, and come out looking innocent while their victims are smeared. The first child is often all good, and the second child is often all bad. Thank God the Scapegoat knows how to roll . Researching narcissistic abuse thoroughly gave me a lot of encouragement, and was what validated me the most, as well as a really good therapist. They didn’t want me after they got her. I remember a few family members saying over the years with my mom it’s “ my way or the highway “ Stay healthy and strong! Reading this brought me to tears. Come to find out, that aunt never had any ill feelings toward me. So that glad this article has helped you. From my experiences, malignant narcissistic parents don’t like anybody, not even the siblings of the scapegoat. The Golden Child is a 1986 American dark fantasy comedy film directed by Michael Ritchie and starring Eddie Murphy as Chandler Jarrell, who is informed that he is "The Chosen One" and is destined to save "The Golden Child", the savior of all humankind. Suddenly, everything fell into place. They reverse the roles, and truly believe they are the victimised individual. Good article, I relate to so much of this. The golden child is usually the most impacted when the scapegoat leaves. My older sister is very smart and smooth and and skilled at manipulating everyone. I’m a 72 year old woman who was the scapegoat to my N mother and my older golden child brother until he left for college. Nothing like some validation. They were privileged coming from a wealthy family. Eventually, many narcissistic golden children ruin the scapegoat’s reputation in adult life and turn their siblings against them, as well as the enabling parent. So many of us have had to make ourselves non-contactable! OMG. I too am the family SG. (Though of course, not without the wells and oceans of grief which, I’m sure like many of us are still working through). The scapegoated option is unintentionally chosen by the second child, who almost always ends up sparring with the entitled child daily, and complaining endlessly to the narcissistic parent about the endless abuses incurred from the golden child. This kind of golden child becomes that narcissistic adult in the room that a lot of us have probably met – the one who must have complete control over the actions, words, thoughts, and beliefs of everybody within their environment. He described my narcissistic mother as “relentless”.) I wish that she’d sought some help. It took me recognizing the same types of behaviors in a boyfriend to realize it in my mom. ‘Its all about me.’. Boundaries are key…narcs are not attracted to people who set boundaries because they can’t steamroll them. I’ve seen it too. I learned to intensely hate everyone and everything at a very young age, except God and animals who I loved dearly. Its all so terribly cruel Brenda. Good thing is that we have changed. No anymore. The eldest child despite all his privileges was a bit of a failure. Eddie Murphy reunited with the child star from his 1986 movie The Golden Child at the Toronto International Film Festival on Sunday — 33 years after the film first hit theaters. Pity the living, and especially pity those who refuse to love.” Dumbledore said something like that. You really do have to have the strength to walk away because they’re never going to change. the article is very black and white (not being objective) It may be like that in some families. They think they know us. At first I was miffed but then I realized that he had gone far, far away, and this was how he protected himself. It is the ‘silent abuse!’ I really like how you’ve described it. I knew something was horribly wrong with my family and the way I was raised and treated. And I’ve made money. The entire family dotes upon … Each of us has been on the chopping block so you would think they would understand what’s going on. The scapegoat is a continued reminder to the golden child that they are truly an abuser and a dangerous person. In a temple in an unknown location in Tibet, a young boy with mystical abilities, the Golden Child, receives badges of station and demonstrates his power to the monks of the temple by reviving a dead bird, which is to become a constant companion. Thankyou! We were robbed of a relationship with our parents and siblings. Then, when she was in the good again with my mother she turned on me. Thank you for putting this in perspective like that. You either stay and become unwell, or leave and go through a lot of pain, but eventually, become well. It has clarified many things and given me the strength to decide to go “no contact “. The scapegoat has the empathy gene, and they know how to love. The narcissistic family members either stay united in chaos or turn on each other. Oh my God! This is so helpful in my quest to move on. They are best friends and will conquer the world together. In my case, GC is a younger sibling. How does the narcissistic child treat their siblings? It’s ok to cry because it’s healing. We’re told to forgive our abusers but I don’t agree that there can be reconciliation if the abusers don’t acknowledge their actions and change. My mothers narcissism and my sisters narcissism (the golden child) has been undiagnosed. ), often held in high esteem by others, and for whom there are high … Validates and details everything I experienced growing up. An Aspergers trait is the need to feel in control…..Do the two conditions overlap? We have discussed … Well, guess what? Going to school would never be a problem or a nightmare for the golden child. Once she dies my GC older sister and younger sister best stay out of my life. I have my faith and a wonderful family. Good on you Penny! What happened to you happened to me too. Its very common for scapegoated children to become involved in narcissistic relationships, and to repeat the same patterns occurring in childhood with abusive partners. Goodluck. Our freedom comes when we face the truth and have the courage to learn all about the abuse we’ve endured and then we find the strength to continue on our terms. I am so glad you have found strength from this site. Despite that I have always worked very hard to gain her approval, even spending many years being very successful professionally in a career she suggested for me. No. As time goes on, and the scapegoat becomes more difficult to control, the golden child will even try to brainwash the other siblings into believing that the scapegoated child is fundamentally flawed and that everybody must exclude them in some way or another. I had integrity, but my childhood had just about destroyed me. So much wasted time to get nothing in return. A lack of entitlement may be their saving grace, or; they may simply have been nurtured more than the golden child by an enabling parent somewhere along the line. It is my pleasure to have written this article, and I am so glad that it has brought you an explanation and some clarity all in one. Thank you so much for this insightful and spot-on description of life as a SG in a narcissistic family. The people who are scapegoated wouldn’t do it to anyone else in the family. Thank you for this. The enabling wife/mom smooths everything out for them with the people they hurt so they can continue on their rampage. However, our ability to see through NPD is such an extraordinary gift…..its we have the opportunity to have a more peaceful life, instead of living in confusion and chaos. Looking at this description, it sounds like the perfect child who is likely to have a successful life. I did that for years and it’s so draining. So great to be out of the fog. It all makes sense now. Its very common to experience a lot of doubt when going NC,as well as a lot of guilt because its your family. And yes, narcissistic parents do get very jealous of their children, and will use their positive qualities against them. However, while I’ve always been thankful for my experiences because it made me the person I am today, I just had a major epiphany! He wasn’t labeled as special education or 504 through the school, and he wasn’t the type of kid to lie, but yet acted in a way that was not characteristic of someone WITH autism, but more as someone who believed (or had been convinced) that he was different somehow. Both parents and older brother are deceased. But this article explains that I was a scapegoat to my mother and 2 brothers! This is the child … Two sets of rules for golden children and scapegoats. Hi Jacquelyn, you are very welcome. It helps so much to read exactly how it was/Narc Mother died/ and how it can still be. […] She derived sadistic pleasure from trying to ruin my happiness and often mocked my career dreams and goals. The scapegoated child is in big trouble. During my journey I too have found it difficult to believe in my own choices in relation to going no contact. I have always recognized their narcissism and self entitlement, and my role as the scapegoat, but have never seen it described in such a comprehensive article. Learn how your comment data is processed. Wow. I don’t want anything from any of them. God Bless you and ty for sharing your story. I tried everything to make him happy for the last 4 years because I love him and I wanted to be friends with him, but never works out. The golden child functions as the apple of their eye, proudly displayed for all to see. No, we didn’t deserve mistreatment. The scapegoat is just meant to sit down and shut-up. It may be because they are seen as all ‘black’ in the mind of the narcissistic parent. Both you and Hannah nailed it! However, if the scapegoat loses it because they can’t tolerate the golden child’s abuse anymore, they will never hear the end of it from the narcissistic parent. Bottomless pits. Now however, it is exactly those things that set us up so well to have a great future. I refuse to allow him to strip my daughter of confidence and self worth, and to ruin my sons future potential as a good and kind person. My sister is now under the care of psychiatrists and therapists. This article is one of the best I’ve read, dealing specifically with the sibling dynamic in a narc household. The scapegoat child strikes blow upon blow to the narcissist’s ego when they point out that the golden child isn’t so wonderful, is floored, troubled, and mean. Yep the s.g is lucky in a sence as they physical leave but in my case I’ve moved half around the world only to marry another narc. thankyou for sharing your story about your relationship with your golden child sibling. The Golden Child of a toxic family unit may be a child or a grandchild of a Matriarch or Patriarch structure that the elders chose to promote Sibling Rivalry forming in the targeted youth or in …